Prompt # 87

I woke up at five with rolling waves of nausea, feeling a little bit like I was on a boat bobbing up and down on an uneven sea. At six forty five I carefully, slowly, walked to the 7-11 in my pajamas and a sweater and a shawl and got crackers and soda. There was one silent crow at the very top of a tall tree outside the parking lot. The short skinny surly guy that's usually rude to me and everyone who is poor and or black was on his best behavior because his boss was there. His boss likes me. She's a cancer survivor and will tell me little snippets of her life when I go there, sometimes making the line wait. I know she doesn't like her son-in-law. Her kids have all left home and she's sad. Her hair is growing back and she's feeling better. Her eyes often tear up when she talks to me. I don't think anyone in her life really listens to her. 

Now I am home very carefully writing to you. It's that just on the edge nausea. I hope to stay on the edge. My neighbor and nemisis, pot boy is filling the apartment with his skunky weed but I'm all for anything that might help with the queasy so I'll just be grateful. 

Last night I went to see the Cindy Sherman exhibit at SFMOMA with my kids. My son is a photographer and a member and goes often and sometimes we get to go too. Before we saw the exhibit there was a drag performance- an homage to the photographer and it was brilliant even without the context of the work. The one that stays with me is the sad and funny clownish drunk blond character who looked startling like the picture that inspired her performance to Peggy Lee's is that all there is. 

When I was nine and my father came back home my parents used to fight a lot at night. I would play the single 45 I owned, black with a red center, on my plastic record player. It was Peggy Lee. I will always know both songs by heart. On one side was it's been a long long time....the other was Is that all there is... 

I was watching this amazing performance in the present, my daughter standing next to me and just behind her brother, protecting him from pushy, stompy people like the bad ass she is and my son was kneeling down with his camera equipment I don't know the names for, taking pictures. I was singing along to the song and I was back in the dark, just me and Peggy Lee, singing together, the sounds of fighting in the background. Her voice was rich enough that I was totally embraced. It was warm and knew things I wanted to know. Her voice was everything I needed. The song was story and music all at once and one of my favorite places to rest.

I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

And when I was 12 years old, my father took me to the circus, the greatest show on earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And as I sat there watching the marvelous spectacle
I had the feeling that something was missing.
I don't know what, but when it was over,
I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a circus?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die -- but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my lst breath, I'll be saying to myself,

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

The lyrics are the poem today. This is short prompting because the edge is crumbling. My body is calling foul and I am going to go and sit very still and sip soda. 

See the exhibit if you can. Sherman does such a  brilliant job of playing with women's roles, gender, class and Hollywood. I could have lived there with those photographs for a week. Each one a perfect story. 

There are links to look at pictures, there's the song to listen to and the lyrics. 

That's all I have for today. 

May this day be such a good day for you and your creative.